I keep failing and failing and sometimes it’s really hard to get back up.

Over the last two weeks, a lot of really amazing stuff has been happening - stuff that is changing my life, stuff that will last forever.

Even this past weekend, two *amazing* things happened with both my dad and finding a community of people that actually love Jesus and believe in the power of grace.

Unfortunately, I had a midterm today, but these things were much more important to me and I wasn’t ready for my test - so not ready that there was no point in going.

It’d be one thing if I was normally a good student, if I normally would have been ready, if I normally was diligent and worthy of even being at a school like this - but I’m not.

And so I’ve failed again, and I feel horrible.

DC.

http://photo.funtaff.com/minifulphotojournalism/towalltheredbulls/

This is a lump update…

I ended up waking up at like 11 on friday, because I went over to sleep in TBS’ bed and bring grumpy-bear home to see his compadres and what not. Didn’t sleep until prolly one, not entirely sure. Woke up and went home, made breakfast (not sure, prob 10@, eggs, etc), went to meeting from 2p-4:30p. Worked out 20mi@70min on the bike downstairs, had to stop fully twice for a minute because of cramping (@ ~8mi, ~16mi). This was my first time back on the bike so that’s alright. Made egg noodles and meat sauce after, not sure what time I ate (10?). I had a very long convo with TBS and then ended up finishing my book until 4:30a. Bad David.

Woke up Sat @ 10:30a (was supposed to wake up at 6:30…) and drove home w/ 10Add only, no food @ 11. Ate Rubios @ 2, then JIB chicken strips at 9p, and a nice squished extreme sausage sandwich at 12p. Bowled with Kyler for about three hours, my back got really sore and left wrist a little sore. Shoulder wasn’t so bad. Tried to watch SNL @ 1a but didn’t get farther than 20 mins until I went to bed. No second 10@ that day.

Sunday I woke up at 7:30a, drove up to LA at 9a and went to Basilea (spelling will probably be different everytime I write it…) from 11:30 to 3:00p. Ate 4 Eggs B’s at home! (8:30a). Lunch (Pasta, Salad) @ 2:30p, 10/Vit@4p (figured better to take it that day than not at all for regularity). “Large Ass” plate of Egg Noodles and my super meat sauce @ 11p. No workout.

Managed to stay up until about 12:30 last night, dragged myself out of bed at 7:30 this morning (dare I say I’m getting slightly better?). Ate 2 eggs / 2 toast @ 9a, 10/Vit/600IB 10:30a. Have been taking 400ib a few times in the past few days for back. Going to closely watch if the IB works today. Right now my back hurts noticably - if I slouch in my chair, bend over, etc it hurts, but I can do these manuevers if necessary (as opposed to yesterday where I needed to grab on to stuff to relieve the pressure)

Woke @ 6a again.. but…. stuck it out like a true soldier and got back to sleep, cuz I didn’t go to sleep until 1:30p last night. So I then proceeded to snooze until 10a whichi wasn’t really enough time to prep the files, find that paper for the chick, and do my prelab so I got the first two done.

Shake@10:10a, Little 10/Vit@10:40a. Little meeting with Mrs. Unruh @ 3:30, so I ate a grilled chicken deal at Taco Bell and a horrible, horrible bean burrito with a few onions snuck in @ 4:40p. 10@almost 5:30p? I have a major headache, think radiating from my eyes (computer much?) and I just ate two pieces of toast with pb @ took my tylenol. 9:40p. Got to present progress tomorrow @ the 2:00p meeting, so wondering when I’ll have time to do that, esp. if I can’t sleep early :(

Ate spiked mac n’ cheese and yummy salad @ 6:45p. Miss my tannitberry… I’m starting to get a little bit of a headache, gonna go to bed soon after shower n’ stuff. Debating the tylenol cuz’ I’m already so tired.

Woke up at 6:00a this morning, couldn’t really go back to sleep. I also had trouble falling asleep - I got in bed at like 10:30, read until like 11:45 and then had a really hard time actually falling asleep. I think I was just nervous about the whole thing working and that kept me up.

Got up at 6:30a, made breakfast (4eggs/cheese/1toast) @ 8:00a, 10/Vit@9:00a. Made both classes, with figuring out the rmhsubqual thing at work in between. 10@2p. I think 6 hours is too far apart, 4 or 5 probably better. Very noticably irratable at about 1p waiting for my food (Rubios/bbca). However, I was pretty productive.

Going to test some stuff out with Spongebob episodes because they compress well and they are very short. Looks like aspect ratio w/ xvid works well, at least with my setup (ffdshow/wmp). I did a 720×480 out as 1:1 and set aspect ratio in xvid settings to 4:3 and it looks real nice. Interlaced frame show up nasty, gonna look into playback methods before I decide on deinterlacing them permanently. Still looking for a container, apparently avi is junk.

Finished subqual today - revision 3c accepted. From start to finish - received changes, made changes with initial design. Resubmitted after drawing logo by hand, removing gradients and redoing layouts and pages 2 and 3. Resubmitted after rearranging front page to reflect rest of subqual - drew seal by hand (almost an hour), got AGC and SPSS logos, changed font globally to CopperPlate Bold and Myriad Pro Bold/Semibold. Small italics on front in Times/Italic. H in Hasson is slightly more than normal smallcaps pctg - did manually. Front image lowres - from LAC/USC website.

For tomorrow - fix FPO artwork for print, take to kinkos and figure out how to get it to SD.

Work breakdown:

Logo Work (1hr)
Updates (1hr)
Overall Layout Changes (1hr)
Revisions and Changes (1hr)
Print Prep (30min - 1hr)

+ Printing/Shipping if applicable.

Went to sleep at 12p. Started reading at maybe 11:30p - didn’t really notice any effects from the tylenol. Woke up @ 11:20a! Made breakfast at 12 - 4 eggs, 2 toast, took 10Add/Vitamins/400IB @ 1p. Took 10@5:30p. Made dinner - Salad, Reheated leftovers from last night (pasta and ground turkey). Too sore and busy to really work out, but did push/sit - 10×4, 20×3. Back still hurts - and doing situps definitely makes it more sore. Took Tylenol @ 9:30p and a quick shower. Going to read at 10-10:30, hopefully sleep by 11p.

Made 1.25lb Ground Lean Turkey and stuck it in hamburger helper - lol. Ate about 3/4 of it at 8:30p. Worked out at 5:30-7:30p. 8 laps/jog speed, 4 up/down drake (horrible!) and s.p. 85@15, 70@15×2, 45@20 at wooden. Now I’m not too hungry, although my back hurts considerably. Want to take pm@10p and hopefully sleep at 10:30.

Went out for some air… came back and of course they are here. As a side note - writing just isn’t as fun without that really cool font I was talking about in one of my ancient posts. I was a bit hungry, but upon entering I am instantly extremely pissy.

Today’s small infraction - I can hear scrubs in the other room. That’s my favorite show - of which I’d like to catch up with full attention, not hearing fragments from the other room where it is no-doubtedly underappreciated, or appreciated for all the wrong reasons.

I sent my last e-bay item (nextel phone), picked up the tylenol and deposited the checks.

Woke up at 1p. Fucked up a few times - like six in the last 18 hours. Ate four eggs + two pieces of wheat toast and a little butter at about 1:40p. Took 10Add/400IB/Vitamin @ about 3p. Considering getting a bottle of Tylenol PM for the next week to try to stabilize myself. Read that it’s unsafe to take it formore than 7-10 days, so I’m gonna take it regularly for seven days and see if I can’t start waking up at 7. Reading a book “Premonition” - on about page 100 since last night. Gonna work out, do my laundry, and hopefully get some code written and finish subqual/doug’s stuff. After that I’ll look at my HW.

Please help me Jesus…

This must be the hardest thing I’ve ever done - keeping pure. I wish I could say I’m doing this for me… for God only - but the truth is, I’m doing it for you just as much. I can only trust that God has put you on my heart for a reason, and in my faith in him I justify this.

I’m still a broken man, boy.. child…

You deserve to be treated like a queen. And with God’s help, that is what I intend to do.

Schedule was jacked since friday night. Went to bed @ 3:00a (talking to tbs… veeeery excited to hear her voice) - woke up at 1:15p Sat, drove home. Missed church @ 7 because there was really no time to get back to Aliso from SD given my screwup. Went to sleep @ 2:30a (SNL w/ Kibes), woke up at 10:30a. Went to sleep @ 1p - 5p? (vague). No Add/Vitamins all weekend. Bad David. Didn’t really get to talk to my dad. Kinda bummed about that, I might write a letter just so everything is clear and consise and because I get sorta emotional anyway. I want to ask him to drive up early AM and take me to breakfast but I don’t know how. I miss him so very much. Seeing him and really connecting aren’t the same.

Notice how I sometimes spell it berra and sometimes berry?

Me too - I kinda like both. Berra has more flow, but berry is cuter.

I miss you.

Oops. See I knew I should have trusted. Sorry :(

No Add. Made Shrimp (like 1lb almost), pasta in butter/parm and spinach/c.f. salad @ 9p? Then had mac and cheese spiked @ 2a.

I was contemplating what the hell is wrong with me in the shower…

Unfortunately (maybe not, I dunno), life tends to shift in some sort of balance. An old extremely over used cliche for songs and lyrics talks about takeoffs and landings - the cool part about the idea is that when one plane is taking off, another is landing. When a thousand are taking off in a given area, a thousand are probably landing.

When some friends are taking care of you, others are abandoning you.

It’s just hard because while the latter are many of my friends here in LA, the former are the ones that are far away.

It’s even harder when one of the ones you thought was in that far away group , there to help, gets frustrated that they can’t and abandons you too - even if just for a few hours. It’s the abrupt “takeoffs” that leave marks. Even harder still when the very thing that’s keeping you from being as close as ever is the very concept of trusting them to be there for you always.

Thats why I had a hard time letting go of my previous attachment - for whatever reason I had convinced myself that she would always be there - be that true or not. We parted ways long ago, and even if she would always be there, she just can’t, and that’s ok.

Trusting a new person to always be there isn’t easy for me, and it’s caused me, on more than one occasion, to somehow sabotage relationships instead of really letting go and trusting.

This time it’s different I hope, I know. But the trusting part is still hard, especially when they give up so easily - even if it’s just for a moment. But the shower lady told me it’s a two way ticket, so I’ll trust that you will in fact always be there, despite just now, even if I am scared.

As for a short term fix, maybe I should tell Adium not to flaunt the disconnections right in my face. I guess it’s kinda like putting some padding on the inside of the doorstop so that when it slams it doesn’t leave your ears to ring beside your heart for the rest of the evening.

*lightbulb* - I should do that to our apartment doors, hell even mine. I’ve never really slammed a door, it might feel nice.

Went to sleep at 12p! … wokeup at 5:30a for about 10 mins, went back to sleep. Woke up at 1045a! Apparently the get not enough sleep tactic is not working.

Shake @ 12a (tried waiting a while before I ate), 10@1:20p w/ Vitamin. It’s 3:40p now and I’m hungry and irratable. Stomach much better, however I didn’t go anywhere until 2p-now, not ruling out class sucking as the culprit.