I was contemplating what the hell is wrong with me in the shower…

Unfortunately (maybe not, I dunno), life tends to shift in some sort of balance. An old extremely over used cliche for songs and lyrics talks about takeoffs and landings - the cool part about the idea is that when one plane is taking off, another is landing. When a thousand are taking off in a given area, a thousand are probably landing.

When some friends are taking care of you, others are abandoning you.

It’s just hard because while the latter are many of my friends here in LA, the former are the ones that are far away.

It’s even harder when one of the ones you thought was in that far away group , there to help, gets frustrated that they can’t and abandons you too - even if just for a few hours. It’s the abrupt “takeoffs” that leave marks. Even harder still when the very thing that’s keeping you from being as close as ever is the very concept of trusting them to be there for you always.

Thats why I had a hard time letting go of my previous attachment - for whatever reason I had convinced myself that she would always be there - be that true or not. We parted ways long ago, and even if she would always be there, she just can’t, and that’s ok.

Trusting a new person to always be there isn’t easy for me, and it’s caused me, on more than one occasion, to somehow sabotage relationships instead of really letting go and trusting.

This time it’s different I hope, I know. But the trusting part is still hard, especially when they give up so easily - even if it’s just for a moment. But the shower lady told me it’s a two way ticket, so I’ll trust that you will in fact always be there, despite just now, even if I am scared.

As for a short term fix, maybe I should tell Adium not to flaunt the disconnections right in my face. I guess it’s kinda like putting some padding on the inside of the doorstop so that when it slams it doesn’t leave your ears to ring beside your heart for the rest of the evening.

*lightbulb* - I should do that to our apartment doors, hell even mine. I’ve never really slammed a door, it might feel nice.